sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Randomize
