is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
