she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
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