Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
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