can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
this hospital has no fireball
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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