We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
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