I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
Randomize
