So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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