good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
i justawanted to let you know that illi aalways be thwew for ui and o qill waasag youer dog whenebvet u wsnt
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
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