i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
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