Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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