Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
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