I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
FUCK WHALES
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