I just cut my nipple shaving
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Randomize
