Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
Yea he called the cop officer fonzarelli and asked him if he was mad because happy days was off the air. Boom, beaten and arrested
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
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