i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
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Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
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Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
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