Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
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