Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
