there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Randomize
