you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
17 Women That Lost Condoms Up Their Lady Parts
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
23 People Confess The Most F*cked Up Thing Guests Have Done In Their House
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.