sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
Here’s Everything Coming To Netflix This July
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
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What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.