I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down