Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
I have grass duct taped all over my body
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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