I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
Randomize
