when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
Randomize
