rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
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Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
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