Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Randomize
