He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
Randomize
