Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.
Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.
HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
Randomize
