Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
Randomize
