There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
25 Children of Helicopter Parents Admit The Most Horrible Thing They Were Put Through
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
Proof That Kendall Jenner Is The Queen of Cannes
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks