I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?