Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
23 People Confess Why They Don’t Talk To Their Best Friend Anymore
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
These 17 Delivery Dudes Suck At Their Jobs But Are Winning At Life
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone