my phone needs a breathalizer
well I can't set my house on fire every night
It doesn't have to be a walk of shame...just pretend he took you to breakfast.
No one shows this much boob at breakfast
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
