the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??