yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
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