all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
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