just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
25 Facts Men Don’t Know About Women Until They Live Together
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
These 19 People Imagine Others When Banging Their SO
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast