I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
