are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
Randomize
