I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
