I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Randomize
