god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
I am the oldest one here and I STILL feel like I need an adult. help.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize