Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
Is it really that bad? I heard it was like pooping. I like pooping.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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