"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
So today I found out that our school is known as the herpes school
I just need someone to hold me and tell me i dont turn boys gay
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
