my phone needs a breathalizer
hey in girl talk does "want to come over tonight and have some beers with me?" mean i want wiener?
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
