I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
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