ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
I feel like weed makes my smarter. I'm watching the stocks and the way I understand if, do not invest in Yahoo right now because they are not fit for that.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Randomize
