$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
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