Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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