I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
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