The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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