My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
Can Purell be used as lube?
If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
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