its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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