soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
I was up until 12:30 making that damned grammar test for my freshmen then I caught myself running through the verb tenses when I was giving him head.
"I have sucked, I will suck, I will have suck, I am sucking..." I've never felt more like a nerdier slut than last night.
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
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