I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
