i would punch a child for taco bell
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
I'm gonna fight the coyote
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
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