I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
I'm eating all of the evidence.
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Randomize
