woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
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While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
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Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
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