is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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