arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Randomize
