Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
nutella sex= disaster
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Randomize
