i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Randomize
