Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
