It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
Randomize
